Get behind me
by Canadino
Summary: Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me. Everything Kouya wanted, she did not receive. Y/K


**Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the story idea and only some of the witty remarks. I own so little; so please don't steal.**

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When Kouya found out she couldn't feel anything, she was mystified. She was at Seven Moons because she was 'special', they told her. She could fall off a ladder and scrape her knees but she would never cry about it. Someone could open a door and hit her square on and she could shrug it off without even a cry. At first, she thought she was extremely rare and lucky, and maybe god loved her, because he gave her such a unique ability.

Then she met Nagisa, who sat her down and told her bluntly that she had been genetically altered, and specifically _created_ by Nagisa herself. There was no supernatural cause or good fortune. Kouya was made for a purpose, and lived only for that purpose. Then, she realized, there was no god.

But while there was no god, there was a devil.

Because surely only the existence of the king of hell would have led her to meet with Yamato. Anyone who examined her timeline would surely come to the conclusion, one way or another, that she would come to fall in love with the girl. It was a combination of her personality and Yamato's disposition and oh, what was the use of reasoning fate? If there was a god, god would have ended it there.

But the devil made it so Yamato's mark faded. It was the devil that made her nerves work again. Or – it was the devil that kept her the same. It made it so she could still do her duty while Yamato lost her place at Seven Moons. The gods that her classmates prayed to did not do cruel things like that.

"It's okay," Yamato whispered, holding her hand on the train as they ran from Nagisa. They were shaking because the train was tossing them about. "We've been reborn."

Kouya used to think Nagisa was the devil. She was a fluffy-haired, ribbon Demon who loved her. Nagisa made her what she was, and she made Yamato a Zero too and forced them to meet. Nagisa threatened to take away everything Kouya ever loved. So when Kouya said her farewells and ran, she was happy because she was finally leaving the devil. She shook off those fiery shackles and she didn't have to bow to its wishes.

The devil, she discovered, did not reside with Seven Moons or their old teacher. It was everywhere. It followed her, because it had set its sights on her.

Yamato tried to tell her everything about feeling. "The sun," the blonde explained, taking them outside wearing bikinis (Kouya adding tasteful shorts to retain some form of modesty), "feels great. It's warm, and sometimes it's hot but in a good way." Kouya could not feel a difference between the air inside and the outside. Her skin prickled but she did not feel the flush.

When they ate, Kouya gauged herself based on Yamato. "I'm full," her former Sacrifice announced, and Kouya stopped. "It means…my stomach can't possibly hold anymore. It's a good feeling too. Like everything is okay." But Kouya's stomach was not as vast as Yamato's and she puked a couple minutes later.

Yamato tried not to tell her everything about feeling. "What's it feel like?" Kouya asked as she pressed ice to a reddening burn from cooking. Yamato shook her head and refused to share. When Yamato caught the seasonal flu and looked awful, Kouya asked, "What's it feel like?" but Yamato sneezed and didn't say anything. She was trying to protect Kouya from things that were bad, but it only made Kouya angry. Wasn't it bad that the devil had cursed her not to feel at all, but now she had to watch as Yamato carried all the pains of being human alone?

But the worst was when they touched, and Yamato blushed and looked absolutely lovely, and Kouya could not feel it. Kouya could run her hand up Yamato's bare stomach and watch as the blonde's breath hitched but when Yamato did the same, Kouya didn't know how it was any different than an innocent touch. When they first had sex, it was awkward and they were going through with the motions although they couldn't feel it and they spent most of the time talking about how odd the whole ordeal was. But now Yamato could gasp under her and rendered speechless and Kouya could not understand.

When they kissed, her heart fluttered, because she had _emotions_ but she never felt the way Yamato did when Yamato's eyes flared and she said, "Let's do it." A kiss could not turn her on. She could tell when Yamato wanted sex, but she couldn't feel it, and with Yamato's reactions, it was a good feeling. Yamato could never explain it adequately.

"Like," Yamato breathed, as Kouya pressed kisses down her collarbone, "something filling me up. Like warm liquid flooding through my veins." But Kouya had never felt that. "Like something's opened up and swallowed you whole. Like if you had the chance, you'd make it so it never ended." But Kouya could still not understand, even as she ran her tongue up to the peak of Yamato's breast. "Like everything you wanted has been granted."

But everything Kouya wanted, she did not receive.

"What's wrong?" Yamato asked afterwards, basking in a golden glow. It looked enjoyable but Kouya felt no different from when they first started and it maddened her. "Don't look so dapper."

Perhaps _she_ was the devil. She was causing it all to happen to herself. If so, she couldn't undo it even if she tried. The hopelessness of it made her cry out, bitter tears flooding her eyes. Yamato kissed them away but she couldn't help Kouya.


End file.
